Five Things you should know about Cosmetic Ingredients

Big thanks goes to Kirstie McDermott of beaut.ie for this weeks Five Things.

Five Things you should know about Cosmetic Ingredients is probably the funniest Five Things that I have done so far. Don’t take it from me, just read on.

Beauty is a massively lucrative business: brands breed products like locusts, department stores make serious money from prestige lines and cosmetic advertising props up glossy magazines and the print media. We all buy into it, too. Even if you’re not a high-end beauty buyer, it’s very likely you still pick up bits and bobs from budget brands in the supermarket. Find me a person who doesn’t at least buy soap, shower gel or deodorant and you can colour me all kinds of amazed. I probably won’t want to question them about it, either. Because they’ll stink.

It’s a competitive business too. In order to establish a unique selling point and attract customers, companies are constantly vying with each other for that magical point of difference, and particularly in recent years, that difference has been unlikely and sometimes pretty bizarre ingredients. Want to know my top bonkers-style beauty inclusions? Read on.

1. SNAKE VENOM
Fret not – no one is up in the Phoenix Park milking the cobras. Syn-ake is a synthesised version of the peptides found in the venom of Temple Viper snakes, and is used in skincare to mimic the effect of Botox. Of course, the claims are exaggerated by the companies using it – no topical product will have the same effect as something that’s injected into muscle, and the Botox molecule can’t penetrate the skin anyway, as it’s too big. The advantage, apparently, is that the whole skin is treated through use of a topical skincare product, as opposed to small areas being targeted as they are with Botox. So if you think you’ll get the effect of injectibles – you won’t. But you probably will get nice, soft skin.

2. WHALE SICK
Uh-huh. Whale sick. The vomit of those large mammals of the sea is known as ambergris. Starting to sound a little more familiar? Yep – that’s because it’s used in fragrance. OK, not strictly puke, it’s a waxy substance that’s found in the digestive tract of whales, so we’re close enough. It’s the original found object, too – whales have to, er, sick it up naturally and then it washes up on beaches to be collected. Hugely prized in times of yore for its earthy scent, it was used as a perfume fixative. In the face of uncertain supply, it fell out of favour and has largely been replaced by synthetic additives. Phew. Or should that be phew-eeeuw?

3. SNAIL SLIME
Discovered because the hands of Chilean snail farmers were suspiciously silky-smooth, claims state that the, ahem, secretions of the De Tuinen snail are beneficial when used on skin. It’s also being lauded as an acne cure, and Holland and Barrett capitalised on the buzz surrounding the slime last year when they released their best-selling Snail Face Gel. Does it work? The goo contains glycolic acid, which is an excellent skin-resurfacer that’s used in chemical peels, allantoin which has regenerating properties, plus collagen and elastin, necessary for skin plumpness and tautness. The key here is the concentration: are there enough active ingredients to really see a difference? I don’t know – and I don’t want to find out, either.

4. MEGA MUSHROOMS
Brands like Origins and the Japan-based Menard have created skincare lines containing extracts from Asian mushrooms such as shiitake and reishi. ‘Shrooms have been used in Chinese medicine for squillions of years, and recently they’ve found favour in anti-ageing circles too. Is there any method to the madness? Well, they’re a fungi, and so is penicillin, and Dr Weil, (One of America’s best-known complementary care physicians) says that they have immune-enhancing and anti-inflammatory effects. Right so.

PS: button mushrooms raised in poly-tunnel in Co. Louth need not apply.

5. BULL SEMEN
Balls, you may be saying (whilst admiring my pun), but it’s true. At Hari’s salon in London’s Knightsbridge, you can treat yourself to a delightful 45-minute jizz-based therapy to add that ‘wow’ factor to your limp locks. For a spend of £100stg, you can get this “world famous, protein packed Aberdeen Organic bull sperm treatment that locks moisture deep into every hair shaft.” Haha – he said shaft! Ahem. Back to business – does this work? Actually, there’s some truth in it: protein treatments are great for dry, stressed hair, but typically you’d buy them in a bottle, and not from a bollock. So while this isn’t for everyone, those with a bit of spunk might enjoy it.

When I originally contacted beaut.ie about doing a five things for me, i was expecting a “Five things you should know about caring for your skin” and was expecting the usual “Drink plenty of water, go jogging twice a week” etc. Needless to say I was pleasantly (?) surprised by the end result. I am dreading the organic searches that Google will now bring to my blog, but it’s all for the sake of the Five Things.

Thanks again to Kirstie and the crew at beaut.ie.

A page dedicated to people that help me with the weekly Five Things is here.